Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

Our Aunt Helen died on December 28 last year. She was the one who took care of us when our parents died. She was a single woman and raised all three of us as her own. She was buried on December 31, 2025, at 11:30 pm. My eldest brother (Kuya Arnold) arranged it all, so our aunt “will go with the sound of trumpets — actually, firecrackers — welcoming her home as she flies to Heaven.”

My younger brother (Philip) and I very much disagreed. We felt our aunt deserved a respectful, focused burial, and should not have to compete with the nation’s celebrating the new year in this God-forsaken land where nothing will ever change.

We tried to reason with Kuya Arnold, but he insisted on his way. He is paying for everything, so he feels he has the right to insist. Also, we were taught to follow him. All our other relatives agree that he knows best because he is the eldest.

Kuya Arnold loved this authority he had over us, for no other reason than his being older. The more upset Kuya Philip and I were because of this, the more he insisted we “respect” him. When we got older, we left my aunt’s place as soon as we could afford it. I still live in a rented house, but at least I can choose how I want to live. Same with Kuya Philip. In fact, we had not seen my brother until my aunt’s death. His behavior just confirms why it was best to avoid him all this time.

Please tell us how to deal with him.

– OLGA

Dear Olga,

Thank you for your email.

Hierarchy and its demands are as old as human society. Hierarchy pervades our social lives, our work lives, and indeed outlives us, e.g., primogeniture, the right or custom whereby the firstborn (often the male) inherits their parents’ estate or even their throne. It is very common here in the Philippines, as your account illustrates.

Hierarchy is the natural order of things in areas like government, the armed forces, and business, but less obviously in the family. Of course, age is an important factor when siblings are growing up — the older the sibling, the more developed both physically and mentally (in most cases). However, the patterns of childhood tend to persist into adulthood, and deference/respect is frequently a factor governing family relationships from cradle to grave.

Your family, Olga, appears to be no different to many others in this respect. Your elder brother Arnold revels in his role as the head of your family, based solely on the fact that he is the firstborn, and indeed he is supported in this by the rest of your family, except for your aunt. 

Up to now, the way you and your younger brother have dealt with this is to live separate lives and have as little to do with Arnold as possible. As far as we know, this has worked out well for you both but now, with your aunt’s death, you face a united opposition with no one to support you.

The best option therefore may be to be pragmatic and recognize that this is a battle you cannot win. Arnold has the family on his side and the money to carry out his plans. Instead, you and your younger brother should honor your aunt in your own way and then carry on as before, keeping as much distance from Arnold as you possibly can.

Best wishes,

JAFBaer

Dear Olga,

Thank you very much for your letter. I am so sorry about Kuya Arnold’s behavior. I am even sorrier that you and your Kuya Philip had to be frustrated all over again because of his decisions and his “antics,” especially since he upset you at a time when dealing with your aunt’s death was difficult enough.

I say this even if I don’t know how many there were and how absurd they may have come across to you, but it sounds like your Kuya’s deciding your aunt should be buried at 11:30 pm on December 31 is one of them.

It is also possible that your Kuya Arnold purposely chose the time and date of the funeral because he had a feeling this is what would upset you most. This realization won’t erase what happened in 2025, but I hope it will help you look at his behavior from another perspective. Definitely, his behavior can be classified as assh*le, i.e., since his choices seem to depend on what reaction he can get out of you both. However, his behavior is also pathetic, as he cannot seem to make a choice independent of you both.

You would think a mature person would choose integrity, the inherent rightness of the situation, and kindness as guides to his behavior, rather than what would piss off his siblings most. In that sense, parang he seems more kawawa (a figure to be pitied) than threatening.

It is also possible for adult children to behave the way they used to when they were younger. Was your brother a bully when he was younger? Is it possible that the grief you all experienced during your aunt’s cremation reactivated these old dynamics, reminding him (and you) of unresolved childhood conflicts?

You and your brother have chosen to live far away from your brother because of his personality and family expectations. I hope his behavior and your reactions confirm that you made the best decision.  

Admittedly, this may seem small consolation at such a time, but reminding yourself of this (and of his kawawa-ness) may ease a little of the aggravation you and your brother may still be experiencing.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com