[Two Pronged] Has my fate made me end up with the same type of woman every time?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I was happy and surprised to see my letter chosen for last week’s column.

There’s a lot to process in your answer. 

I guess we can say family dysfunction is not the only measure to ascertain compatibility with a potential partner. Just like now we live in a world where “2-Factor Authentication” is preferred right? Hehe. For sure, I won’t be using that as “a great divider” to filter out the pool. I do agree that it rather depends on how much information one needs to make an informed decision. 

I can be presented with a woman who fits that filter and my discretion would be to ask myself “Am I still comfortable with this person?” or “Am I taken aback but I don’t want prejudice to get my better judgment so I need more information?” 

I do believe people can change for the better. I haven’t thought of my previous partners any less! I just chalked it up to they had a bad past and just moved on to how I can show love to them and express that I care. It’s only now after the relationship ended that I feel like I subconsciously give more attention to a certain type? Or that my fate or luck has paired me to a certain type?

At the end of the day, I do not claim my hypothesis is perfectly fair. It sounded fair based on my past experiences and my fears of it repeating. But I am grateful for the opportunity that we can discuss it further for us to be on the same page.

Likewise if I were to be rejected based on socio-economic background or anything under the sun like my height, or age, or one innocent comment that a girl would perceive as offensive to her, that will be on them. It may or may not be fair. It may or may not be pragmatic, but I’ll take it as their preference and just move on with my day.

Thank you once more,

Sam

Dear Sam,

It is encouraging to know that you are open to a broader selection process when it comes to choosing potential partners. There are innumerable suggestions as to how to go about this but basically it is a question of aligning your selection criteria with the development of the relationship.

For example, you might favor a certain age group, certain physical characteristics (height, build etc.), compatibility of values, sharing a similar approach to conflict resolution, an understanding that you both agree that you should accept each other as you are and not insist on radical changes, and the like. 

Clearly, the emphasis on these varies as the relationship goes through its phases such as honeymoon (the first few months), adjustment, commitment, acceptance.

While you may develop a framework that makes absolute sense, it is important to leave room for flexibility. The world is full of people who thought they had a specific “type” yet ended up with someone totally different. 

In addition, it is important not to reduce the whole process to a kind of spreadsheet analysis. This is after all a romantic relationship and beyond the purely rational there needs to be a physical and emotional connection that cannot be reduced simply to an Excel sheet.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Sam:

Thank you very much for your letter. I must admit it was pretty difficult to answer your letter above. I think one reason is that it was very logical and rational, and who can really add to something that makes as much sense as you do?  

And then I realized what was missing was what Mr. Baer underscored in his last paragraph, that “This is, after all, a romantic relationship and beyond the purely rational there needs to be a physical and emotional connection that cannot be reduced simply to an Excel sheet,” and he is right, isn’t he?

Right about the fact that, when you think about it, that “X” factor is sometimes what is missing when one wonders why someone does not end up with someone everyone thought was perfect for him.  The X factor wasn’t there.

I am not saying that “X” means sex. Neither am I saying that “X” is the most important thing in the relationship. 

But usually, when people talk about romance and taking a risk with all you have so you can be with someone for the rest of your life, then “X” is necessarily part of the equation. A necessary, but not sufficient, reason. 

 “X” isn’t sex alone, but it sure can help a lot. In fact, the sociologist and noted feminist scholar Jessie Bernard once said that a reason sex is so good in the first year (years?) of marriage is that it is the glue that keeps the couple together through all the hardship and all the stress of sleepless nights and endless worry. These sleepless nights and endless worry may be due to a combination of factors: the baby who won’t stop crying, the only job that pays enough but is super toxic, the pressures of establishing one’s self and one’s partner as a unit capable of financial and emotional independence.

Sam, I can already hear you asking incredulously: “Surely you’re not saying terrific sex is the only thing that matters?!!?”

Absolutely not. But then again, it sure helps. 

This is where your “2-factor authentication” is also necessary. And perhaps, the more terrific the sex, the more factors you have to take into account. 

In the end, love is what matters and not sex. But sex can be one way of discovering why you are in love with this person. 

The psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Ethel Person once said: “Love is an act of imagination. For some of us, it will be the greatest creative triumph of our lives.” 

Dr. Person also said, “People should not judge failed love affairs as failed experiences, but as part of the growth process. Something does not have to end well for it to have been one of the most valuable experiences of a lifetime.”

My litmus test is “if you are willing to do/be for another person what you would not do for anybody else, then they are probably it.”

Mr. Baer’s is: “The physical and emotional connection cannot be reduced simply to an Excel sheet (unlike mere reason and logic).”

At the risk of seeming mayabang (arrogant), I can’t help feeling that you could do a lot worse than keeping in mind the words of Jessie Bernard, Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes, and Ethel Person when choosing a partner.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com