[Two Pronged] Getting my favored caregiver back after my kids pushed her out

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

When I was 75 and 6 weeks after my wife died, I suffered a stroke. This did not affect my mental health, I do not have slurred speech and no one would know I had a stroke except for my use of a cane and, sometimes when necessary, a wheelchair. I do not suffer from any mental conditions. I do not need my children to support me financially; but am very happy when I get any “baon” (money one gives a loved one) from them.

When I turned 80, they insisted I get a caregiver. I did not like any of them except the last one, Angel. Maybe because she was younger with no caregiver’s credentials, she did not feel she knew better and listened to me more.

She is no longer with me. Three months ago, she suddenly left without any explanation. One night, she came in to wish me goodnight — she sleeps in the room right next to me and we keep the door open — and the next day, she was not with me at breakfast.

I finally found out my children asked her to leave and she is now back in the province, in Nueva Ecija. I have had three caregivers since Angel and am not happy with any of them.

When I told my children I would fetch her to come back, they forbade me to do so. But I want her back. I am not happy with anyone else.

– Manny

Dear Manny,

History is replete with instances of children acting supposedly in the interests of their parent(s). Some are genuine, others mask self-interest motivated often by ego, greed, revenge, family dynamics etc.
Your message raises a number of questions.

The most important is perhaps why a father supposedly in full possession of his faculties, both physical and mental, agreed to the appointment of a caregiver in the first place. Is your cheerfully positive view of your overall condition, Manny, shared by your children or do they see things differently?

Are you reluctant to face up to the ravages of the aging process or are they being overly cautious? We simply don’t know.

What we do know is that your express wishes are being overridden by your children, but whether such filial piety that there might have been in the past has been superseded by filial concern for your wellbeing or filial concern for their wellbeing is unclear.

Whether your assessment of your health is accurate or not, the issue you have presented is effectively a power struggle between you and your children — with Angel, your favored caregiver, as the unwitting pawn in the game.

This has gone through various stages. First, they imposed a caregiver on you; second, they sacked your favored choice for the job, without telling you; third, they have forbidden you to re-employ her.

What is unclear is why, if you are in full possession of all your faculties, you have allowed this. Why have you permitted them to dictate to you? Why have they taken against Angel? Why have you not simply contacted Angel and asked her to return?

Without more information, I can only suggest that if you want Angel to come back, you call a family meeting and explain to your children that you are taking control of your life once more and tell them to stop meddling. This will also give you the opportunity to set boundaries for your children and leave you free to live according to your own desires, not the diktats of others.

Best of luck,
JAF Baer

Dear Manny,

Thank you very much for your letter. One thing that struck me most among Mr Baer’s many questions to you was: “Why have you not simply contacted Angel and asked her to return?” and it is your possible answers to this question that I will continue my letter to you.

Basically, there are two ways you can answer the above question: either you can or you cannot (just collect Angel on your own).

If you cannot, then perhaps you can write us again, because there are still many things you can do to get the caregiver you want — including Angel.

However, if you CAN, then boy-oh-boy, I suggest you do so ASAP.

No, it is not because of that old meme: “It is better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission” although it certainly is.

It is because being able to do this on your own already sends the message your children need reminding of: You are a grown man with your own needs and wants which, as long as you are not hurting others, you have every right to enjoy.

Usually children get their parents caregivers because they feel their parent/s need one. However, you describe yourself in your letter as someone who doesn’t… at least, not to dress, shower, feed himself and even to move around, with your cane. Should you need someone to push your wheelchair, I am sure your driver can do that.

But a caregiver helps someone not only with their physical needs.

Harvard-trained therapist Kasley Killam, wrote in her 2024 book The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier that thinking our health is only physical and mental is incomplete. Evidence-based research consistently shows that social health is just as important to live a full and happy life.

It seems Angel helped answer some of your social needs: she listened, perhaps unlike your other know-it-all caregivers. A person who listens, who makes you feel seen, is a person worth traveling all the way to Nueva Ecija for.

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com