Trump owes a fortune after this trainwreck

Your Honor,

I’m here to claim my share of the Trump Administration’s $1.8 billion slush fund payouts based on the severe emotional trauma I experienced on January 6th. The residual PTSD from that day has left me incapable of finding a full-time paying job in politics, and I still haven’t landed a book deal yet. I realize neither of those things has a direct correlation to the events of the day. Still, since so many MAGA snowflakes are whining about how they’ve “suffered” once people found out they plotted to overthrow our government, I figured I could claim similar residual trauma and financial stresses.

While I wasn’t physically at the Capitol, I did watch the day’s events play out live on television and on Twitter, and the images from that day have never left my mind. I was already living with the daily trauma of being trolled on Twitter by MAGA all day, every day, since the early days of the Trump campaign.

Plenty of us were already under a lot of duress by the time the 2020 election was meant to be certified, and January 6, 2021, was supposed to be our redemption for suffering through four years of Trumpism, complete with a pandemic to make it even more of an Orwellian nightmare. We didn’t even have COVID vaccines yet, and we were still trying to figure out how to function as a nation under continuing quarantines and lockdowns. After holding our collective breaths for nearly a week in November while the election results were tabulated, we finally got the emotional lift we needed when Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were declared the winners.

The silver lining of the Coronavirus was drawn across millions of unhackable paper ballots, and as Congress gathered to certify the results, I sat at my desk to watch then-Vice President Mike Pence hand our country back to actual patriots, instead of the lunatics who’d swarmed the Ellipse to listen to Donald Trump lie to them in person for a change.

I remember laughing out loud, as the kids say, when Trump promised to walk to the Capitol with them when he doesn’t even walk between holes on the golf course. And once they got there and stood behind the barricades, I remember saying to the TV, “Yeah, yell all you want, that’s not going to stop them from certifying the election.”

And then, Your Honor, I watched as the same crowd who claimed to love our country pushed through the security barriers, attacked our Capitol Police, and breached the seat of our government.

I saw them break windows. I watched them climb up the outside walls of the Capitol. I gasped in horror at the images they were livestreaming, the bear spray, the flagpoles, and the screaming as they maniacally marauded through the halls of the Capitol. I heard them chanting Nancy Pelosi’s name. I heard them yelling, “HANG MIKE PENCE!” Soon after, I saw the images of the gallows someone had constructed. After they hung Trump’s Vice President, who would be next?

You know, just another tourist visit.

I couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing in the moments before Ashli Babbitt was shot as she attempted to enter the Speaker’s Lobby. I thought I was going to watch this police officer die live on camera, and I couldn’t stop crying.

I saw this guy brag about stealing classified information from Nancy Pelosi’s office.

All of my tweets from that day are still live, as are the tweets from Republicans demanding Trump call off his crowd. Lindsey Graham had a spine for a second, not that anyone seems to remember.

All of this, Your Honor. We witnessed all of this, and any repeat viewing brings back the same feelings of violation from that day. As if they’d broken into all of our homes, destroyed all of our property, and smeared their bodily fluids all over our walls.

And it’s only gotten worse in the subsequent years, Your Honor, because nobody has ever held Trump accountable for staging a failed insurrection against the United States of America. Trump should’ve been arrested the moment he finally and unceremoniously shuffled away from the White House on the day Joe Biden was inaugurated.

I don’t know why that never happened, or why he was never convicted for any of his 34 felony fraud convictions after he was arrested FOUR TIMES IN THE SAME YEAR, which was 2023, and not 2021, for reasons we will never know.

My personal trauma was compounded even further when Trump was allowed to run for President again in 2024, which really shouldn’t have happened because he’s a convicted felon and adjudicated sexual abuser who still owes E. Jean Carroll $84 million. Even worse, we watched him steal another election from a far more accomplished woman because he and his Epstein Besties would otherwise end up in prison, where they all belong.

I’m not the only one countersuing, Your Honor. Allison Gill, whom you might know better as Mueller She Wrote, has her own lawsuit going against Trumpsimp Todd Blanche, who really needs to be the first one sent to prison once treason has consequences again.

In closing, Your Honor, I am asking for $5 million in emotional damages so that I never have to use Twitter as a means to find work, and so that I’ll never have to worry about feeding myself or my cats during this garbage fire of an unimaginable Constitutional Crisis.

And could you please FINALLY arrest Trump?