[Two Pronged] Woman from Reddit is asking for my old sex videos before our hookup

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I saw this personal ad on Reddit. From a female nurse, 26, all merely claims, not proven. The first red flag was this personal ad was already broadcasting her Telegram ID so she could be messaged directly, and vice versa. In my experience with Reddit, no one displays their Telegram details that openly or quickly. 

When I first messaged “M,” introducing myself and how I got her Telegram ID from her post and thus responded to her ad, the reply that I got was a polished paragraph of introduction and instructions. 

“M” Introduced themselves as a 26 year-old female nurse who resides in 3 locations (Bulacan, Cavite, Manila) and is not available this week to meet up. It seems strange that an employed nurse can be residing in 3 places without proper reason. She claimed she has a home in Cavite, on her mother’s side, the other she presumably bought on her own. I couldn’t help thinking: On a nurse’s salary? At only 26?? Get reallll. 

After reciprocating the information of age, gender, location, she asked that we start exchanging sexy photos (par for the course with interactions on Telegram) including photos showing faces. 

In order for her to build anticipation and sexual desire of meeting next week to hook up, she asked to see if I had any sex videos of myself and any previous partner. Any partner she said, be it a “walker” (girl for hire/hooker), “massage therapist,” ex-fuck buddy, or ex-girlfriend. She said she would be happy and become horny with any videos sent to her. 

I don’t own any personal sex videos as it’s not really something safe to keep in my possession. I also never did any of this sort of thing with any of my previous partners. 

She then convinced me to make a video. She even went out of her way to search Telegram for sex workers to message and then send to me for the objective of “filming the deed” and send to her. Her plan was to message the worker after we recorded our making love to convince her to have a three-way with us the following week. 

This already sounds too good to be true for me so I thought I would ask you the both of you if I should say yes before we speak next week. What do you think?

– Seb

Dear Seb,

As you say this situation raises red flags and in abundance. Your 26 year old nurse, “M”, seems to be both wealthy (3 homes) and also extremely liberal (open with personal details, sex videos, threesomes) which must suggest that you at least proceed with caution. However, your question is “should I say yes?” which indicates that these red flags are not enough for you to discontinue the conversation.

Relationships these days run the gamut from casual hookups to marriage so the real question here is perhaps what you actually want to achieve if you persist with M. What you do next is a function of the outcome you want. There can be a first time for everything so if you are willing to experiment with sending sex videos to someone (after taking all sensible precautions) now is your opportunity to do so. Likewise with threesomes. If your appetite for novelty includes threesomes with a woman you have only met online and a sex worker, that’s fine if at the same time you practice safe sex and ensure that you do not take other unwarranted risks.

However, it strikes me that you have hitherto taken a relatively cautious approach to your more casual sex encounters and that this new opportunity might be a step too far, so give very careful consideration to broadening your experience in this way. Simply running a risk/reward analysis will give you the chance to weigh the pros and cons soberly before embracing a new sexual horizon.

All the best,

JAFBaer

Dear Seb:

Thank you very much for your letter. While Mr Baer has a very clear, rational reason for you to think about not seeing her, he still suggests you do a cost-benefit analysis till you make your final decision.

Alas, while some people may consider my answer far more emotional and less logical than Mr Baer’s, I disagree entirely. But that is only because I do not have a fancy name to back up my claim. All I can really say is that psychotherapy is both a science AND an art.

My strong feelings against continuing with M are perhaps in the art part of therapy, although

that it is based on previous clinical experience might also make my decision part of science – albeit inductive reasoning is not as certain as deductive reasoning.

I do not trust M at all, and even if she proved to be trustworthy, as in M is a heterosexual female interested in having a relationship with you solely because she likes you ( and not because she wants to make money and or blackmail you) I would still strongly suggest you run a mile away from her. The sooner and the farther away the better, Seb.

Why? Because she isn’t a kind person, Seb. Anyone who asks you to send pictures of you having sex with your ex girlfriend, a walker and or massage therapist without considering how the woman might feel in this situation is not kind. And the reason for her wanting the videos is supposedly to turn her on? Not only is she unkind, she is also quite selfish.

In this blighted country of ours where it seems only selfish, corrupt, unkind people make decisions about our money, surely you do not want to add this unkindness by doing something this M asks you to do simply because it makes her horny?  

And, even presuming M is who she pretends to be instead of a 52-year-old man with a disappearing hairline and a tummy disguised as a beach ball, surely it would be better if she got turned on by you, instead of by a video of you sleeping with another girl who has no idea you’ve disrespected her by sharing her video with someone she doesn’t even know?

You are smart enough to write Two Pronged for advice, Seb 😝. I cannot help hoping you will be find it reasonable enough to listen to our admittedly not- necessarily-scientific ( though I daresay Mr Baer’s is) and treat your walkers, massage therapists, ex-fuck buddies, and girlfriends with the respect they deserve. And if that means no video sent, no horny M to communicate further with you, then “good riddance to bad rubbish” I say.

Hoping you will not find my words unnecessarily mean.

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com